I won’t wake up in my dad’s house on Father’s Day. I won’t run to the kitchen before he gets up to make him breakfast in bed like they do in all the TV commercials, like I did for my mom.
My parents got divorced when I was six years old, so I’ve actually lived longer without my father sleeping under the same roof than with him. I know I am not alone. Actually, I’m in the majority — 3 out of 4 children of divorce live with their mothers.
Funny faces with the pops
But I’m also lucky. Because my father is still an active part of my life. More than 40% of kids from divorced families do not have their father raising them at all. I don’t know how we managed to keep a strong relationship. I’m sure it’s been hard work on both my parents’ part.
And it wasn’t easy getting here.
When my parents first split up, like most kids who think the world revolves around them, I thought it was my fault. I figured I had done something wrong. Or that I was a burden on their marriage. It took me a while, and a couple of sessions with a therapist, to realize that wasn’t true.
It took me a while, also, to get over the guilty feelings. Whenever I was with my dad, I felt that I had abandoned my mother and missed her terribly. Then, when I went back to my mom, I missed my dad so much and I would feel guilty because I only got a couple of days with him. This went on for a couple of years — even after my dad remarried.
Which is when the feelings of jealousy came in. Not with the stepmom. But with the stepsister.
I was introduced to my father’s girlfriend early into the separation. I don’t think that my parents were even divorced yet. I remember thinking that she was pretty, but I didn’t like her right away because I wasn’t looking for change or a new mom. I loved my family the way it was. I still secretly hoped it would be that way again.
One of our weekly FaceTime calls; trying to make me laugh
Not for long, though. My dad and his new girlfriend got married a little more than six months after my parents’ divorce. I know I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions but what I remember most was how excited I was. Not because I was going to be a flower girl at their wedding, although that was cool. But because my new stepmom had a 2-year-old daughter. I was dying to have a little brother or sister. And, now, finally I had a little sister to play with and show the ropes to. Sure, she wasn’t blood. But it didn’t matter. She was my very own little sister.
But then the jealousy and envy struck. This little girl got to live with my father 24 hours a day, seven days a week. She got to see him every morning. She got tucked in by him every night. I only got to see him every other weekend.
It didn’t take me long to feel like an outsider… to feel like he was putting her before me.
One day, I couldn’t really keep it to myself any more. I went up to my dad and asked him straight up why he loved her more than me. Now, today, I know he didn’t love her more. But I was six years old at the time. I didn’t know any better. I believed things based on what I saw and felt.
But speaking to my dad about it was the best thing I did because it was a huge turning point in our relationship. He finally realized that I was his daughter — not her. Nothing against that little girl. She’s still my stepsister and, to this day, I love her very much. But there was a switch in him and he definitely made me feel special again.
My dad and I at his graduation
Today, me and my dad are still close. We may not see each other every day or even every other weekend. But he goes to all my school functions and theater performances and he makes sure I am there at every milestone in his life, like when he graduated from his college program. We talk regularly. He is always there when I need him. And we FaceTime as much as I do with some of my friends. And he can be just as goofy!
I am so grateful that I have such a good relationship with my dad even though I don’t live with him. Not a lot of people can say that. It’s definitely hard. And it gets harder as you get older and other things take up more of your time — extracurricular activities, school projects, sports, parties. And as much as I love these things, they suck too. Because all these are competing for the limited time I have with my dad.
Still, even though we don’t spend a lot of time together, we are still close. We talk on the phone a lot. And I still go over once or twice a month. He’s picking me up today to go to the beach.
And while I may not see him as much as we both might like, I know the one thing that is important for children to know so that they can maintain a relationship with their non-custodial fathers: At the end of the day, my dad will always be there when I need him. And that’s what counts.
So with that in mind, I wish for a wonderful Father’s day for all the dads out there — and especially for mine.
I love you, Papi.
